When celebrations feel difficult
Coping with grief during special occasions

Finding your way through significant dates, religious festivals and family celebrations when someone you love is missing.

Celebrations and significant occasions are often associated with happiness, togetherness, family, friends and shared experiences. Whether it is Christmas, Eid, Diwali, Hanukkah, Easter, a birthday, an anniversary or another important date in the calendar, these occasions can bring people together and provide opportunities to create special memories.

But when someone you love has died, these same occasions can feel very different.

The absence of someone who was once an important part of your celebrations can leave a significant gap. Traditions that you once looked forward to may suddenly feel painful, family gatherings can become difficult to navigate, and even the smallest reminders can bring feelings of sadness, longing and loss to the surface.

Often it isn't just the occasion itself that feels difficult, but the anticipation beforehand. Decorations appearing in shops, familiar music, invitations arriving, conversations about plans and the expectation that everyone should be looking forward to celebrating can all serve as reminders of someone who is no longer there.

Grief doesn't follow a timetable, and it doesn't necessarily become easier simply because time has passed. You may find that an occasion you managed reasonably well last year feels particularly difficult this time around. Equally, you might experience moments of genuine enjoyment amongst the sadness, which can sometimes bring unexpected feelings of guilt.

There is no right or wrong way to experience grief, and there is no expectation that you should put your feelings aside simply because it is a special occasion.

Although nobody can take away the pain of losing someone important, there are things you can do to make these occasions feel a little more manageable. Here are some ideas that may help you find your own way through.

1. Lessen the pressure and manage expectations

Significant occasions can bring their own pressures. There may be expectations around organising gatherings, buying gifts, preparing food, arranging outfits and clothing, decorating the home, attending events or maintaining family traditions.

Grief can affect our energy levels, concentration, motivation and tolerance for everyday demands. Tasks that would ordinarily feel straightforward can suddenly seem exhausting or overwhelming.

Take a moment to think about what you realistically feel able to do, but perhaps more importantly, what you actually want to do.

Try to remove the words 'should' and 'ought' from your vocabulary. These can create additional pressure and leave you feeling that you must meet expectations, even when those expectations aren't right for you.

If you don't feel up to organising a gathering or attending an event, it is okay to say no. If you want to keep things simple, do that. You don't have to maintain every tradition or meet everybody else's expectations.

It can help to identify what really matters to you and prioritise those things, allowing yourself to let go of anything that feels like an unnecessary burden.

Give yourself permission to do things differently

2. Don't be afraid to ask for support

Grief can sometimes make us withdraw from other people, particularly when we feel that nobody quite understands what we are going through.

If possible, share your thoughts and feelings with trusted family members or friends. Letting people know how you are feeling can help them understand what you might need, whether that is practical help, a listening ear, company or simply someone who checks in on you.

If shopping, planning, socialising or attending a gathering feels daunting, consider asking someone you trust to accompany you. If crowds feel overwhelming, online shopping or making alternative arrangements may be easier.

You might also find it helpful to let people know in advance that you may need to leave an event early, take a break or have some quiet time.

It is important to remember that other people don't always know what to say or how to behave around someone who is grieving. They may worry about upsetting you by mentioning the person who has died, or mistakenly assume that you would rather not talk about them.

Unfortunately, this can sometimes leave bereaved people feeling overlooked, isolated or as though their loss is something that others would prefer not to acknowledge.

(NB. If you are supporting someone who is bereaved, don't be afraid to gently start that conversation. A simple question such as, 'How are you feeling about the celebrations this year?' can open the door for someone to tell you what they need. Similarly, please don’t use old-fashioned phrases such as “time is a great healer” or "they would want you to have a good time", this makes people feel disregarded and unheard. There are more tips below on supporting a grieving person.)

You might want to talk about your loved one, share memories or acknowledge that they are missing. At other times, you may prefer a little distraction or to talk about something completely different.

Both are perfectly okay.

Communicating what you do and don't need can make a real difference

3. Rethink your traditions

Many of us have traditions that are closely connected to particular celebrations. These might involve decorating the home, preparing specific foods, attending religious services, exchanging gifts, visiting family or gathering together in a particular way.

When someone dies, these traditions can become unexpectedly difficult.

Perhaps they were always the person who put up the decorations, prepared a particular meal, organised the family gathering or made a special occasion feel complete. Repeating those activities without them can bring a painful awareness of their absence.

You don't have to abandon traditions altogether, but neither do you have to continue them exactly as before.

Think about what feels right for you this year. Perhaps you would like someone to help you put up the decorations, or you might prefer to leave them in the cupboard. You could change where you celebrate, simplify the arrangements or introduce something completely new.

For some people, maintaining familiar traditions provides comfort and a sense of connection with the person who has died. For others, a change of scenery or a different way of celebrating feels more manageable.

There is no single approach that works for everyone. Give yourself the freedom to experiment and remember that you can always change your mind in future years

4. Find your own way to remember

Remembering someone who has died can be an important part of navigating significant occasions. It can help us acknowledge their place in our lives and recognise that, although they are no longer physically present, the relationship and memories we have of them remain important.

You might choose to light a candle, place a photograph somewhere special, prepare their favourite food, listen to music they enjoyed or share stories about them with family and friends.

Some people find comfort in visiting a grave, attending a religious service, saying a prayer or taking part in a remembrance ritual. Others may prefer a personal gesture, such as writing a letter to the person, spending time somewhere meaningful or making a charitable donation in their memory.

For those who celebrate religious or cultural festivals, existing traditions of remembrance may provide a meaningful way of honouring someone who has died. Equally, people who do not follow a particular faith can create their own rituals and ways of remembering.

There is no requirement to make remembrance a public or formal activity. It can be something very personal, shared with others or simply held quietly within yourself.

You might also find that you want to include the person in a celebration in a different way as the years go by.

What feels comforting one year might feel too difficult the next. Allow that to change

5. Be prepared for unexpected reminders

One of the challenges of grief is that it doesn't always surface when we expect it.

You might feel that you are managing reasonably well, only to be caught off guard by something seemingly insignificant....

It could be spotting something in a shop that would have made the perfect gift for the person, hearing a familiar song, seeing a photograph, smelling a particular food or noticing an empty seat around the table.

Sometimes, it is the smallest things that can evoke the strongest emotions.

It can also be difficult when other people make comments without realising how they might affect you.

Questions about family plans, conversations about past celebrations or even well-intended remarks can unexpectedly bring strong feelings of loss up.

Try to be gentle with yourself when this happens. You don't need to explain away your emotions or feel embarrassed if you become upset.

If you know that certain situations are likely to be difficult, consider what might help. You could arrange to have someone with you, plan a little breathing space or give yourself permission to step away when

you need to.

You cannot always predict what will trigger your grief, but you can remind yourself that having an emotional response is not a setback. It is simply part of your experience of loss

6. Allow yourself to experience happiness without guilt

Grief and happiness are not mutually exclusive.

There can be a tendency to feel that enjoying yourself, laughing with friends or looking forward to something somehow means you are forgetting the person who has died, that you are moving on without them or that you didn’t really love them that much.

You might even feel guilty for having a good time when someone you love is no longer able to share those experiences with you.

It is important to recognise that experiencing happiness does not diminish your love for the person or the significance of your loss.

You are allowed to laugh, enjoy yourself, make new memories and experience moments of contentment.

Equally, you are allowed to cry, feel angry, miss the person terribly or decide that you don't want to participate in celebrations at all.

Sometimes these feelings can sit alongside one another, and that is okay.

This is particularly important for children and young people who are grieving. Children may move between sadness and playfulness very quickly. They might become upset one moment and be laughing with their friends the next. This doesn't mean they have forgotten their loss or aren't grieving. It doesn't mean they are making it up. They are simply experiencing and expressing their feelings in their own way. This is perfectly normal and is known as ‘puddle jumping’.

Try not to place expectations on yourself or others about how grief should look

7. Remember that grief can change over time

It is easy to assume that the first birthday, anniversary or religious festival following a bereavement will be the most difficult. Whilst this may be true for some people, it isn't always the case.

Sometimes the first occasion is surrounded by practical arrangements, support from others or a sense of disbelief. It may be in subsequent years, when life has moved forward and the reality of the person's absence becomes more pronounced, that the occasion feels particularly difficult.

You might also find that different occasions bring different emotions. A birthday may evoke sadness about the experiences you can no longer share, whilst a family celebration might highlight changes in relationships or the way your family now comes together.

Grief can be unpredictable. It isn't a straight line from one emotion to another, and there is no deadline by which you should feel better.

Try not to compare your experience with somebody else's, even if you have both lost the same person. You each have your own relationship, memories and circumstances, therefore your own experience of grief.

Be patient with yourself and recognise that your needs may change from one occasion to another

Supporting someone who is grieving

If you are reading this because someone close to you has experienced a bereavement, you may be wondering how best to support them during an important occasion.

It can feel difficult to know what to say, particularly if you are worried about upsetting them or reminding them of their loss. However, avoiding the subject altogether can sometimes leave a bereaved person feeling that their loved one has been forgotten.

Often, acknowledging the person who has died can be more comforting than avoiding their name.

You don't need to find the perfect words. A simple 'I'm thinking of you', 'I know this might be a difficult time' or 'Would you like to tell me about them?' can mean a great deal.

Some practical things you can do include:

Make contact: Don't assume that someone will tell you if they are struggling. A message or telephone call can remind them that they haven't been forgotten.
Offer specific help: Rather than saying 'Let me know if you need anything', offer something practical, such as helping with preparations, bringing food or accompanying them somewhere.
Remember the person: If appropriate, share a memory or mention the person who has died. You won't necessarily make someone sad by acknowledging their loss.
Respect their wishes: Some people will want company and conversation, whilst others may prefer a quieter occasion. Ask rather than assume.
Be there beyond the first year: Support is often more visible immediately following a death, but grief doesn't disappear after the funeral or first anniversary. Remembering significant dates in subsequent years can make a real difference.

Often, simply being present, listening without judgement and allowing someone to express how they feel is enough.

Don't feel that you have to fix someone's grief

A final thought

Grief is a deeply personal experience, and navigating significant occasions after losing someone you love can bring an additional layer of emotional difficulty.

Whether you are facing your first Christmas without someone, celebrating Eid or Diwali following a bereavement, facing Shabbat regularly or preparing for Hanukkah, approaching a birthday or anniversary, or simply finding that a family gathering feels different, try to remember that there is no right way to get through it.

You don't have to be cheerful because everyone else is celebrating. You don't have to maintain traditions that no longer feel right, and you don't have to hide your sadness to make other people comfortable.

Take things at your own pace, be mindful of what you need and allow trusted people to support you.

Most importantly, remember that finding moments of happiness doesn't mean you have forgotten the person you have lost. You can carry your love and memories with you whilst still allowing yourself to experience life, connection and joy.

You don't have to leave your grief behind to find a way to move forward

If you need a little extra support

Sometimes grief can feel particularly overwhelming, and there may be times when you feel unable to cope with the emotions you are experiencing. You don't have to manage these feelings alone.

Talking to someone you trust, accessing bereavement counselling or contacting a support organisation can help you feel less isolated.

There are several organisations in the UK that offer support:

Cruse Bereavement Support – specialist bereavement support, information and a helpline for anyone affected by grief. Call 0808 808 1677 or visit www.cruse.org.uk. Cruse provides an accessible pathway for non-English speakers. By calling their free helpline at 0808 808 1677, you can state your language in English, and they will connect an interpreter via LanguageLine for a three-way translated support call

Jewish Bereavement Counselling Service - specialist bereavement support for members of the jewish community, sensitive, aware and knowledgeable about social, cultural and religious needs https://jbcs.org.uk/ Call 020 8951 3881 or email enquiries@jbcs.org.uk

Asian Family Counselling Services - a registered national charity providing low-cost, confidential, culturally sensitive and multi-lingual mental health and relationship counselling services to South Asian communities in Britain https://asianfamilycounselling.org/about-us/

Samaritans – free, confidential emotional support, available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Call 116 123 or visit www.samaritans.org

Shout – free, confidential text-based support, available 24 hours a day. Text SHOUT to 85258 or visit www.giveusashout.org

CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) – support for people experiencing emotional distress or suicidal thoughts. Call 0800 58 58 58, 5pm–midnight daily, or visit www.thecalmzone.net

Childline – free, confidential support for children and young people under 19. Call 0800 1111 or visit www.childline.org.uk

(If you are in the UK and need urgent mental health support, you can also call NHS 111 and select the mental health option. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 999.)

Sometimes having someone listen, without judgement or expectation, can make a difficult day feel a little more manageable.

Reaching out for support is not a sign of weakness

When celebrations feel difficult Coping with grief during special occasions