Healthy Relationships (The Drama Triangle)

Introduction

Building friendships is something we are taught is important from our early years in Primary School. As we mature into teenagers and young adults we have often had experience of lots of different kinds of relationships e.g. familial, friends, professional or romantic.

These are all opportunities to develop independence, communication skills, boundaries and understanding of what healthy relationships look like. It is normal to fall out with people and have misunderstandings and arguments. Sometimes difficulties in relationships can involve ‘Drama Triangle’ patterns.

For example:

“If you really loved me, you'd do this.”
“You're making me feel awful.”
“Fine. I'll do whatever you want.”

One person may become increasingly controlling, while the other begins to feel responsible for keeping them happy. The relationship can become a cycle of:

pressure → guilt → giving in → resentment → conflict → apology → pressure again

Nobody should ever be pressured into doing anything they don’t want to.

What does a healthy relationship look or feel like?

A healthy relationship allows both people to have:

their own friendships
their own opinions
reasonable boundaries
the ability to say no
responsibility for their own emotions
freedom from intimidation or pressure

Caring about someone's feelings doesn't mean being responsible for managing them.

What is the drama triangle?

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship or situation where you seem to have the same argument over and over again?

Perhaps you find yourself constantly trying to fix someone else's problems. Or you feel that someone is always blaming, criticising or controlling you. Maybe you feel powerless to change what is happening, while another person seems to take over and make decisions for you.

Sometimes, you might even notice yourself moving between all three of these experiences.

This may be a sign that you have become caught in what is known as The Drama Triangle - a psychological model developed by psychiatrist Stephen Karpman. It describes three roles that people can become drawn into during difficult or unhealthy interactions.

🔺 The Victim => "There's nothing I can do."

🔺 The Rescuer => "I'll sort this out for you."

🔺 The Persecutor => "This is your fault."

The infographic below shows what happens when we get stuck in a ‘Drama Triangle’ cycle and gives suggestions on how to get out of this.

Being aware that these dynamics are in play can be really helpful in creating a space for collaboration between you, so you can move forward together and resolve whatever the dispute was.

⚠️ Don’t use the Drama Triangle to excuse abuse ⚠️

The Drama Triangle can be useful for understanding difficult interactions, but it is important not to use it to minimise abusive or controlling behaviour.

Persistent behaviours such as those below must be taken seriously:

intimidation
threats
isolation
coercion
controlling who someone sees or speaks to
monitoring them
pressuring them into things they don't want to do
making them afraid to disagree

These situations aren't simply about two people being “stuck in a Drama Triangle”. They are known as coercive control and it is important to speak to a trusted adult and get proper support.

This infographic focuses on what the ‘Drama Triangle’ might look like if there is a more harmful situation happening.

Summary

The ‘Drama Triangle’ can be a useful tool to refer to if you are stuck in a negative pattern in any relationship. Recognising that there are repetitive cycles occurring can help you to pause and think about how to manage the situation to a better outcome:

Sometimes that might mean setting a boundary.
Sometimes it means allowing somebody else to solve their own problem.
Sometimes it means asking for help.
And sometimes it means recognising that a relationship has become unsafe and seeking appropriate support.

You don't have to navigate these patterns alone.

If you recognise yourself in the Drama Triangle and would like support to understand what's happening in your relationships, talking it through with a counsellor can provide a safe space to explore the pattern without judgement and give you practical resources to use to help in your every day life.

NB. although geared towards teenagers and young adults, this information is just as applicable to all adults.